It might seem counterintuitive, but procrastinators are often perfectionists. Many people who perform well can allow themselves to make mistakes, and understand bad days and setbacks. They are open to self-evaluation and improvement. This is something a procrastinator can’t do as easily. Instead, a procrastinator:

*has unrealistic demands
*strives to do the impossible, and
*can’t accept less than a perfect performance

Sounds like you? Do you get overwhelmed with what you expect of yourself? And to avoid embarrassment, do you stop trying and procrastinate?

Think about setting realistic goals instead. Let yourself have bad days. Take one step at a time. Focus on doing your best instead of evaluating the outcome so harshly. And most importantly, enjoy the process!

More to come…

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As stated in the last post on procrastination, this behavior can prevent you from knowing what your true abilities are. By procrastinating, you don’t have the opportunity to do your best, and this is exactly what you want if you fear that you are inherently inadequate. This belief can then cascade into,

I’m not worthy,
I’m not lovable., and
I’m a failure

It is the fear of these beliefs that drive the procrastination. Because it gets down to how you truly feel about yourself, and the judgments you fear from others about your self-worth.

This type of procrastinator would much rather be blamed for being disorganized and unmotivated. Who wouldn’t? If your sense of self is based solely on performance, then that puts a lot of pressure on you to be “perfect.” Which is the topic of my next blog post…

Stay tuned…

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I thought I’d take a break from procrastination and talk about the Holidays. This can be a very challenging time to stay relaxed and centered. With all of the planning and doing, stress levels can skyrocket. But does it have to be this way? How can this time be more manageable? Here are a few suggestions:

*Prioritize – only do what is necessary or worth the work if it’s fun. Realize that saying no to something is saying yes to something else. And relaxation and peace of mind counts as something else.

*Manage your time well – Keep a to do list and plan your errands so you get as much done in one trip as possible. Make a special effort to get a little bit done every day, especially if you are a procrastinator.

*Stay focused – Be present with what you are doing. If you find yourself thinking about what still needs to get done, put it on your to do list and let it go for now. Enjoy what you are doing in the moment.

*Relaxation + Action – See if you can be relaxed AS you do something. Usually we are active, then stop for a break to rest. And that’s fine, but you also might want to try staying centered and calm as you go about all of your holiday activities.

Let me know how these tips work for you. Maybe you prefer one over another. Or you could add some of your own. What’s most important is to be mindful, and to make an intention to Stay Relaxed through the Holidays.

Enjoy this special time!

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So what happens when we add procrastination into the fear of failure equation? Remember, the equation is:

Self-worth = Ability = Performance

It preserves the connection between self-worth and ability. No matter how you performed, you can always tell yourself that you could do better. If only you hadn’t procrastinated… Imagine how well you would have done if you had put in your all! This prevents you from ever knowing what your true limits are, and maintains the belief that your ability is always better than your performance.

And why does a procrastinator do this? I will talk about this in my next blog post…

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Did you recognize yourself in the last blog post? Are you willing to under perform in order to prevent judgment of your best? When you do this, all you are doing is showing how well you produce under pressure. Richard Beery, a psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley, has come up with the following equation for this type of procrastinator:

Self-worth = Ability = Performance

This translates into saying, “If I perform well, that means I have a lot of ability, and so therefore I feel really good about myself.” You measure your sense of worth on how well you perform. You don’t consider if you are having a bad day, or if obstacles come up that are out of your control. Instead you make a direct connection between your level of performance and your sense of self-worth.

Sound familiar? Stay tuned for more…

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So why do we procrastinate? Dr. Jane Burka and Dr. Lenora Yuen take you through the common reasons in their wonderful book, Procrastination. I’m going to review them in my next several blogs. The one I’m going to talk about today is,

The Fear of Failure.

Are you afraid of finding out what your best is? That if you put your all into something, and show it to others, the judgment may be too harsh to bear? What you may do to manage this intolerable feeling is to procrastinate. When the project is finished in a rush, you can then tell yourself, “It’s not my best because I didn’t have the time to make it so.”

In other words, you didn’t fail because it’s not your best. “I can always do that next time,” you tell yourself. And the next time never comes, because of your fear of failure.

If you recognize yourself in this dynamic, stay with me, because I’ll be exploring this more…

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Do you tend to wait until the last minute to do something? Do you claim to work better under pressure? Do you find yourself dissatisfied with results because you didn’t give yourself enough time? Does putting things off until the last minute negatively impact your personal and work relationships?

You might be suffering from chronic procrastination.

The first thing I suggest doing is to stop beating yourself up about it. You’ve probably been procrastinating for a long time, and it’s not going to stop over night.

But there are ways to address it, and that’s what I’m going to talk about in the next several posts.

For now, notice what thoughts, emotions and beliefs lead to your procrastination. Be curious and learn about it. You might want to keep a journal so that the pattern you act out becomes clearer for you. Then as you follow this blog, you will get insights and tips on how to address this habit.

Until next time…

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Valentine’s Day is a good time to express appreciations to your partner. It can be easy to focus on the negative, what we don’t like and what we are critical about. So this is an appropriate day to remember and share what you are grateful for.

Take your time today to think about what’s positive in your relationship. You might want to focus on specific behaviors or attitudes that you want to thank your partner for. Then you can use the format below to express your appreciation to your partner. This is the Initiation and Appreciation form created by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson from the Couple’s Institute in Palo Alto, CA.

It is a good idea to rehearse this outline before you share your appreciation with your partner:

1) When you (describe the behavior or attitude),

2) My positive thoughts about you are,

3) My positive emotions are,

4) The positive memories that get triggered in me are,

5) When I think and feel this way, I respond to you by (describe what you do),

6) Something I might do to help you (state the behavior or attitude) more often is,

I encourage you to try this exercise on Valentine’s Day. You might get such good results that you will want to share appreciations more often!

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I want to get back to this topic  - how to speak without blaming.  Many communication techniques focus on the importance of expressing your feelings.  I agree, however, many of them skip a vital step.

And that is, to express your needs.

We have feelings because we have needs.  We might feel anxious because we need safety, acceptance, or connection.  We might feel angry because we need respect, appreciation, or cooperation.  Everyone has the same basic needs, and if you can identify the need not being met, it’s more likely your partner will understand and empathize.  Your partner might not relate to what it is that triggers your need, because he is conditioned differently.  But he will be much more available to you if he can identify with your need.

Once your partner understands your need, she will likely be willing to help you find ways to fulfill it.  This is where you can both be creative and participate as a couple to create a satisfying solution.

And when you achieve this goal, notice if you are interested in hearing what your partner’s needs are.  Often when our needs are met, we want our partner’s needs to be met too!

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Have you made your New Year’s resolution and wonder where your enthusiasm about it went? You are not alone. Many resolutions begin to dissolve away after the first few weeks in January. I would like to encourage you to revisit your resolution in a new way.

Take your resolution and see it from a couple of angles; this will increase your chances of success.

First, create a specific and reachable goal. If it’s too broad or unrealistic, it won’t work. It’s best to start small and build from there. If you scale down your expectations and you still aren’t taking action, your goal needs to be readjusted. Think of reworking your goal instead of thinking that you’ve failed.

Second, choose a quality that your goal represents. Does your goal require discipline, perseverance, enthusiasm, support, respect, kindness? If you don’t always follow through on the specifics of your resolution, can you embrace it’s quality? Can you take the quality your goal represents and manifest it in a different way?

For instance, say your goal was to go to the gym three times a week, and one week you aren’t getting there . Can you take the quality of discipline that it takes to do your workout, and apply it to something else in your life? Then you would be exercising the quality of discipline, which manifests an important part of your resolution. Without it, you’ll never get to the gym!

Approaching your resolution this way allows you to be more flexible, creative and spontaneous. I encourage you to give it a try and see if you achieve your goal for this year!

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