A powerful way to listen to your partner is to empathize. You will go a long way with this skill. Do you remember how it felt when someone empathized with you? How much it calmed you down and gave you a deep sense of relief that someone actually heard you?

Now you can give this gift to your partner.

I say gift because empathy is not commonly used between distressed couples. There is a lot of blaming and finger-pointing, but not a lot of listening and understanding.

So what is empathy? It’s being able to experience what your partner is going through. Some people say it’s like putting yourself in the other’s shoes. It’s not intellectual understanding; it’s when you emotionally and viscerally “get” your partner. You know you are empathizing when your partner gets emotional relief and calms down.

So see if you can empathize with your partner this week, and note the response and feedback you get. You might find that empathizing is the gift that gives back!

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You might notice that once you begin to be curious about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc., you feel more calm. Your reactions die down and you can relax. As you step out of the dynamic between you, you can become a witness to your partner’s experience.

And how can you stay calm?

*Remind yourself that you do not own the problem. Your partner is speaking about himself, what happens to him when this issue comes up. It’s really not about you. You may have been part of creating the issue, but your partner’s reaction to it is solely his.

*Focus on your breath. Follow each inhale and exhale. Count to 10. It’s important to keep yourself grounded so that you don’t react.

*Tell yourself that your job is to manage your own reactions. You can choose to stay calm. You don’t have to take what she says personally. Remember, she is a separate person with her own feelings, thoughts, perceptions and personality.

An impossible task? I encourage you to give it a try, and let me know how it goes. You can reply by clicking on the no comment link above.

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So what now, you may ask?  You are willing to drop your agenda and listen, but how can you be an effective listener?  How can you listen in a way that will calm your partner down, or draw him out? How can you actually deepen your understanding of her so that you can increase your emotional intimacy?

Be curious.

Become interested in what your partner is saying.  Ask questions that help clarify why your partner feels the way he does, or thinks a certain way, or has a particular perspective on something. Use this as an opportunity to get to know her better. Not only will this help you understand his experience, it well help you better manage your feelings.  By staying curious you will be less reactive and defensive. It will help you see your partner as a separate person with her own feelings, thoughts, perspectives, and needs.

And the good news about all of this?

Not only will you likely learn new things about your partner, thereby increasing your emotional connection, your partner will likely be more available to listen and learn about you.

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I thought I would start out by talking about communication.  This is a big topic, so I’ll break it down into small pieces.  Today I’m going to start with one tip on how to become a better listener.  This may sound easy, but it is actually extremely hard to do.

Especially if you have an agenda in mind.

You might be saying to yourself, “Ah ha, I’ll tell him how it really happened,”  ”I can’t believe she feels that way!,” or, “I did not do (or say) that!”

Sound familiar?  You could be perfectly quiet while your partner is talking away.  But what is your mind doing?   It’s very easy to get defensive; we all do it.

The challenge is to, yes, drop your agenda.  No matter how angry you feel.  Take some deep breaths, maybe count to 10, and tell yourself that your partner’s reaction is his or her responsibility.  How we respond to each other is our choice, no matter how hurt or helpless we may feel.

Ask yourself if you can put your feelings, perspectives and opinions aside and be available for your partner.  If not, it’s best to take a time out  and wait until you are both ready for a conversation where you can listen to each other.

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Welcome to my blog!  I am a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Berkeley,CA and have been working to help improve people’s lives since 1994. I am also a certified clinical hypnotherapist.

I look forward to sharing with you my thoughts and resources on various topics such as:

*bettering communication

*increasing emotional intimacy

*reducing stress

*decreasing anxiety and depression

*increasing self-esteem and strengthening boundaries

*working through grief and loss

*better managing chronic pain and illness

*and many more…

Your comments and sharings will also be vital to keeping my blog alive and relevant to the current issues people are struggling with.  We live in a hectic and complex age, and the more support we can give each other to help us through difficult times, the better.  I strive to keep myself as balanced as possible with all of the demands life brings to me.   I hope that this blog can be a resource for you to be able to do the same.

To read more about the services that I offer people, you can visit my website.

Until next time…