I want to get back to this topic – how to speak without blaming. Many communication techniques focus on the importance of expressing your feelings. I agree, however, many of them skip a vital step.
And that is, to express your needs.
We have feelings because we have needs. We might feel anxious because we need safety, acceptance, or connection. We might feel angry because we need respect, appreciation, or cooperation. Everyone has the same basic needs, and if you can identify the need not being met, it’s more likely your partner will understand and empathize. Your partner might not relate to what it is that triggers your need, because he is conditioned differently. But he will be much more available to you if he can identify with your need.
Once your partner understands your need, she will likely be willing to help you find ways to fulfill it. This is where you can both be creative and participate as a couple to create a satisfying solution.
And when you achieve this goal, notice if you are interested in hearing what your partner’s needs are. Often when our needs are met, we want our partner’s needs to be met too!
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