So what now, you may ask? You are willing to drop your agenda and listen, but how can you be an effective listener? How can you listen in a way that will calm your partner down, or draw him out? How can you actually deepen your understanding of her so that you can increase your emotional intimacy?
Be curious.
Become interested in what your partner is saying. Ask questions that help clarify why your partner feels the way he does, or thinks a certain way, or has a particular perspective on something. Use this as an opportunity to get to know her better. Not only will this help you understand his experience, it well help you better manage your feelings. By staying curious you will be less reactive and defensive. It will help you see your partner as a separate person with her own feelings, thoughts, perspectives, and needs.
And the good news about all of this?
Not only will you likely learn new things about your partner, thereby increasing your emotional connection, your partner will likely be more available to listen and learn about you.
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